


Guilt and Love

by GenerallyDisinterested



Series: A Lesson in Limerence [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Guilt, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2019-05-19 11:43:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14873138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GenerallyDisinterested/pseuds/GenerallyDisinterested
Summary: Merlin is dealing with the guilt of staying alive whilst also attempting to maintain a new job and relationship.





	Guilt and Love

Camelot. A _powerful_ kingdom. A _brutal_ hellhole. A _beautiful_ city. A _terrible_ vacation spot.

It’s been clear to Merlin since the day he first strolled in as a wide-eyed country boy that Camelot is a place paved the adjectives, each one justified in some way or another, depending on who’s being asked. And the same can be said about the Camelot Merlin and Leon ride into just as the sun reaches it’s peak in the sky, except there’s one new adjective that couldn’t be applied to the Camelot Merlin knew.

_Accepting._

A little boy is sitting on the castle steps with his friends crowded around him, showing how a small purple flower can bloom in the palm of his hand. Several new magic shops have sprouted in the place of abandoned barns and houses. Those who once tip-toed around under old cloaks are walking with their heads held high. The place seems blooming with a strong air of carefree happiness. Two curly-haired girls linked by the arm skip blissfully by, shooting Leon a wink as they do so. A teenaged looking boy in a ridiculously bright vest is passionately exchanging saliva with an older woman pressed against the castle wall.

“It seems like the legalization of sorcery made this place a lot… Lighter,” Merlin says hastily, drawing his eyes away from the intimate scene. He could have sworn that woman was married to the local butcher. Everything seems to have changed. 

“Indeed. Everyone is so much happier now. It’s become quite a nice place to live, eh?” Leon shoots Merlin an advertising smile as he shifts over to one stirrup and swiftly jumps off his horse. Merlin rolls his eyes, demounting his horse in the process. 

“Don’t get any ideas. I’m still turning down Arthur’s offer.”

“I’m not meddling,” Leon insists, holding his hands up in surrender. Merlin gives a pointed look. 

“Merlin!” The warm set of arms grab Merlin from behind and pull him into a tight hug. Merlin laughs, hugging back with matched enthusiasm.

“Gwen,” he says softly. “I’m glad to see you.” 

“I am too, Merlin.” She smiles up at him cheerfully. “You’re going to make a great physician! Even better than— Um…” Merlin shakes his head. 

“I wouldn’t be. Even if I took the job.” Gwen frowns, confused. 

“You’re not taking it?”

“No. I couldn’t.”

“Oh, but Merlin…” 

“I just came to tell Arthur in person.” Merlin glances down at his ruffled pajamas, laughing with airy quality. “Which is why I request an hour with you in the marketplace before I meet him. I can’t very well see a king in my night shirt.” Gwen laughs, putting a hand over her mouth.

“You haven’t changed, have you? I was so frightened you would, but you haven't. Still the old forgetful Merlin.” Merlin shrugs a shoulder.

“That’s me.” Gwen laughs again. 

“Well fine then. A new store opened just past my house, they have the most lovely—“ 

A piercing scream cuts Guinevere off. The women that was previously making out with that boy is standing beside a large red haired man Merlin instantly identifies as the butcher (he just knew she was married) with a hand clasped over her mouth. The boy is stooped down, letting out audible whimpers of pain. 

“What have you done?” She cries. “Do you know who that is?”

“A little brat who tried to ruin my marriage!”

“Oh, lord!” 

“What’s going on here!” Leon marches over to the scene, pursued timidly by Merlin and Gwen. The boy collapses at this point, rolling on his back in the motion and revealing a knife sticking out of his stomach. “Heavens,” Leon breathes, looking entirely unprepared for this situation. 

The boy is getting paler. Blood is seeping through that ridiculous vest. The screaming isn’t helping situations. Leon is reaching towards the handle to remove the knife. Everything is is both too slow and too fast. 

Noises begin to dull. Merlin begins to think. 

 

It’s winter. Merlin and Gauis are being cautious where they put their feet as they descended the castle steps. A serving boy just a few years behind Merlin in age whisked by them, a plate of meat and silverware held at arms length in front of him.

“Careful, boy!” Gauis called. “These stairs are like sheer ice.”

“Tell me about it. I’ve tripped about fifteen times today,” Merlin complained. Gauis looked over at him, an eyebrow raised. 

“Is that really anything out of the ordinary, Merlin?” 

Before Merlin could respond, a frighteningly loud howl shook the winter courtyard. The boy was lying face down on the bottom step, pieces of food toppling off the overturned plate and spread around him. 

“See, what did I tell you?” Gauis said crossly. Merlin rushes ahead to offer assistance, sympathetic of the boys condition.

“Gauis!” 

“What is it?” The old man increased his pace as Merlin helped the boy into a seated position. 

“He fell on his knife!” Merlin said, alarmed. The knife was plunged blade length in just below his belly button. Gauis grabbed Merlin’s hand before he could reach to pull the knife out.

“Wait,” he said. “Don’t.”

 

“Don’t!” Merlin shouts, reaching for Leon’s hand before he can pull the knife out. The knight looks startled.

“What?!”

“The knife is keeping the wound secure. If we remove it, he could bleed out,” Merlin explains, quoting Gauis nearly word for word. “Lift him up horizontally and take him to Gauis’s room.” Leon and Gwen exchange uncertain looks. 

“Isn’t it a little soon too—“ The boy lets out an unattractive squeal, shutting Gwen up instantly. She grabs the boy under his arms and Leon grabs his feet while Merlin helps support his back. The three shuffle though the crowded stone halls, shouting for everyone to make way. They do on first sight, as most would under the circumstances. 

“What now, Merlin?” Leon demands when they get the boy to Gauis’s room and lay him down on the guest bed. Merlin doesn’t respond right away, taken aback by how identical everything looks. Someone must have cleaned up the mess that was made in here the day Merlin left. The day he was knelt on the floor, sobbing and cradling Gauis’s lifeless body. The day the world ended. 

“Merlin!” Gwen cries. 

_Think_ , a voice in Merlin’s head snaps. 

_Think._

 

“Think, Merlin!” Gauis yelled. “Where did you leave it?” 

“I don’t remember,” Merlin shouted back, helpless. He knew there was a fresh pitcher of water in here this morning. He had been using it to brew tea, and then Arthur yelled for him to get his lazy arse to his un-mopped floors so he left it on the— “Shelf!” Merlin sprinted across the room and grabbed a silver pitcher. 

“Finally,” Gauis said, exasperated. “Now get me those blue leaves, between the toads eyes and nightshade.” Merlin scanned the shelves, quickly locating a covered jar filled with sky blue leaves. He grabbed it and rushed over to Gauis, 

“Pour just a touch of water in and churn,” Gauis instructed. “Quickly.” 

Gauis got a fresh cloth while Merlin poured water in the jar and churned the mixture with a narrow stone until the consistency turned smooth and creamy. Gauis dipped the corner of the cloth in the mixture and instructed that Merlin take a hold of the knife handle. 

“Now pull it out, in three, two, one…” 

In one mechanical motion, Merlin yanked the knife out and Gauis covered the wound with the cloth. Screams filled the room. 

 

The mixture is still there, already churned and covered with a rag to preserve for incidents like this. Merlin sniffs it just to be sure. It smells as fresh as it did the day it was made.

“I water and a clean rag,” he shouts, using a wooden spoon to smooth out any clots. “Right now!” Gwen runs out of the room for water while Leon ransacks the shelves in search a rag. He finds one among the disarray at almost the exact second Gwen runs back inside with a bucket of fresh water. Merlin dips the rag in the mixture as Gauis has done and has Gwen pull out the knife as he had done, so he can apply the medicine to the wound just as the blade leaves the boy’s body, as Gauis had done. 

Like before, screams fill the room at the contact. Merlin squeezes his eyes shut, trying to remember what happened next that day. The boy had screamed, Gauis kept the rag secure, they took it off after awhile and kept a close watch on him all that night, and then they went to his house and delivered his mother some news. What news? 

Oh. 

 

“What do you mean my boy is dead?” The mother had sobbed. Gaius calmly and somberly explained that the knife was already dirty when it plunged into him. The infection had spread too deep. There was nothing they could do. 

 

“Merlin,” Gwen shouts over the screaming. “Merlin, I don’t think this is working. What should we do?”

Merlin doesn’t respond.

 

“I wish there was something else we could have done.” Merlin said, fighting back tears himself. Though well out of earshot, the mother’s sobs could still be heard ringing in the back of Merlin’s mind. 

“There was nothing else.” Gauis said.

Well, there was, Merlin thought, but didn’t say it out loud. 

 

There was something else they could have done back then. There is something else Merlin can do now. Legally, he can save this boy. 

Merlin flattens his palms on the rag and closes his eyes. He lets the screaming fade out until it’s nothing but a faint hum. He lets himself focus. He doesn’t need to rush. He can save the boy in two seconds.

And he does. Merlin opens his eyes and drawls out a spell - a powerful healing charm he learned from that book Gauis gave him. That with the combination of the medicine already on the wound instantly removes any infection and even manages to sooth the pain. The boy stops screaming, sputters out something incoherent, and falls into a dainty looking sleep. When Merlin removes he rag, the gashing scar showing red before is reduced to a small pink rectangle. 

“Merlin!” Gwen cries. “You did it!”

“Brillant!” Leon whispers, awestruck. “Magnificent. Magical. That’s what it was. _Magic_.”  
The two engulf him in a hug. Merlin laughs, letting the clomped trio of bodies sway slightly. It’s a nice moment of appreciation, that is broken almost as soon as it started.

“You did it!” The voice from the doorway is vaguely familiar. Merlin breaks from the double hug to crane his neck in that direction. It’s the woman who was kissing the boy in the first place; two guards stand on either side of her, Merlin notes with some alarm. “Oh, thank god,” she breathes. “Thank _god_. I don’t think I’d quite be able to live it down if I caused the next war on Camelot.” Merlin blinks. 

“War?”

“I’m sure she was just being dramatic,” one guard huffs. “There’s no way she would demand a war over that. It wouldn’t have been Camelot’s fault.” 

“Queen Annis isn’t the type to just say things for the sake of saying them, though,” the other guard points out. “If her nephew died on Camelot’s soil, she might’ve done something rash.”

“This is Queen Annis’s nephew!?” Merlin looks over at the boy, who is now peacefully drooling on the little hay stuffed pillow. His vest is much fancier than that of a common Camelot resident, but Merlin had just assumed odd fashion trends were making an appearance. 

“Why, you didn’t know?” The guard asks. Merlin shakes his head, numbly. “Well, it’ true. You singlehandedly saved Camelot from a whole lotta trouble. I’d reckon the king himself would like to pay his respects.” 

“I believe he would,” Leon agrees, helping Merlin up and giving him a playful shove towards the door. “Why don’t we head down there, yeah?” 

“Wait—“ But he’s already being dragged down. The guards are clapping him on the shoulders. Gwen is grabbing and squeezing his hand. The butcher’s wife is practically clinging to him, gasping out desperate words of thanks. Every one of these actions propel him forwards until he’s down the hall and in front of the doors and—-

Arthur is standing at the head of the cabinet table, consumed in conversation with an enraged looking Annis. Something in Merlin sparks when he sees Arthur. He looks almost mythical: glowing in the yellow rays of light slipping in through the overhead window. A crown dazzles on his golden head. He looks larger than before, more strong and steady, less like a storm and more like a mountain. He’s… Kingly. Of course, he’s always been destined to be a king - everyone, most of all Merlin, knew this - but seeing it now in person is just… Wow. 

Morgana is the first of the cabinet members to turn when the door opens. Merlin winces a little when their eyes meet, but shyly raises a hand to wave. Her jaw drops. He can’t tell if it’s with excitement or horror, until her face breaks into a wide smile and she looks as if she’s fending off a joyful laugh. 

“Sire,” one guard calls out. Everyone turns now. “The boy is fine. He was saved by this young man right here.” 

Merlin’s heart speeds up to a dangerous rate when Arthur looks at him. His face looks older and more mature. It’s lost it’s rough boyishness that would play across his features when angry over something stupid or mindlessly teasing - that is until he moves past Annis and walks towards Merlin. Every step seems to take an hour. Merlin swears he’s grown some gray hairs by the time Arthur is at last standing in front of him. 

“You’re meeting with a king and queen of incredibly respectable kingdoms, and you couldn’t even bother to change out of your pajamas, Merlin?” Arthur snarls, looking profoundly disgusted and disappointed. Merlin blinks, awestruck.

“Are you… Are you serious? I just saved that boy’s life. Countless lives, if you think of the ones that would probably be lost in a war that I singlehandedly stopped by—“ But Arthur is smiling now, a chuckle twinkling in his blue eyes. Merlin scowls. “Oh, you absolute prat!” 

“It’s nice to see you again too.” It’s both surprising and unsurprising when Arthur pulls Merlin into a hug. Of course, old friends reuniting would hug, but it still feels strange to be hugged by a king. Arthur’s body feels stronger, if that’s even possible. It’s like his elevated title bled into his anatomy. 

“So my nephew is okay?” Annis breaks up the sentimental moment with the shrill concern of a worried aunt. Arthur detaches from the hug, but keeps one arm laced around Merlin’s shoulder. It feels nice. 

“Thanks to Camelot’s new physician, yes.” 

“Ha!” Annis gasps, relived beyond all measures.

“Ha!” Merlin mimics, becoming suddenly tense under Arthur’s embrace. “Uh, no.”

“No?” Both Arthur and Annis say in unison. 

“No. I mean! Uh! Not ‘no’ to the boy,” he looks at Annis. “Your nephew is fine. I’m just not the court physician.” 

“What?” The humor has left Arthur’s face. He lifts his arm from Merlin’s shoulders to face him full on. 

“Yeah, I, uh, I came to tell you in person. I’m sorry. Thank you for the offer but I just can’t take the job.” 

“Why not?” Arthur looks almost hurt. Merlin wants to scream. _Why not? Why not? Are you bloody serious? You except me to try and fill the shoes of a man who would still be walking and talking and breathing if not for me? You want a murderer in your royal court?_

Merlin just manages a choked “I’m sorry” before rushing away, leaving the entire royal cabinet and their king staring after him. 

 

“I don’t understand you.” 

Arthur pops out of absolutely nowhere, it seems, nearly giving Merlin a heart attack in the process. He clasps a hand to his chest.

“Arthur…” They’re in a hallway beside a little window, meaning anybody could walk by or overhear their conversation, so Merlin really doesn't want to talk now. Arthur carelessly opens his mouth to speak, not giving their public location any heed. 

“I made the perfect kingdom for you. You can live here safely. You can be happy here. I don’t care that you’re a sorcerer, Merlin. I think it’s… Great? Look, in all honesty, I don’t care if you’re a bloody troll. I want you here. I tried to send that message by getting your name cleared and making my dad write to Ealdor, but you didn’t come back.”

“Arthur—“

“It hurt, I’m not gonna lie, but I realized why. It’s because you didn’t feel safe here. You never did. So, when I became king, I legalized magic. I thought for sure you’d come back. But you didn’t. And now I have this great opportunity for you, and you’re gonna walk away from it? Why?” Merlin opens his mouth to speak, but closes it again. He can’t tell Arthur the reason why. Arthur would try to convince him it isn’t his fault, that it couldn’t have been helped, but the facts are simple: Gauis would still be alive if it weren’t for Merlin. 

“I… I felt so guilty about not telling you that I was a sorcerer that I didn’t want to face you. I thought you’d hate me.” Merlin lies through his teeth. He’s a terrible liar, and Arthur of all people knows this. There’s disbelief in his eyes. 

“Even after I got your name cleared and legalized magic? That was my way of telling you I didn’t.” Merlin looks at his shoes. “Merlin, come on.” 

“I…” 

“Merlin.” 

When Merlin looks up, Arthur is incredibly close to him. Closer then he used to get when a knight pissed him off and he tried to intimidate them into submission. This is a different kind of closeness, a closeness Merlin hasn’t seen before.

“Hi,” he says breathlessly, unsure what else to say. Arthur smiles, and leans in. Merlin leans in as well. 

Merlin has vividly imagined kissing Arthur so many times the sensation is almost familiar, except it’s not. He couldn’t imagine the warm steadiness of Arthur’s lips, or the fact that his hands instantly move to Merlin’s waist and push him against the rock wall, or the deep chuckle of satisfaction that emits from his chest when Merlin whimpers in pleasure as Arthur takes his bottom lip between his teeth. They both pull away slowly after a few luscious moments, not wanting got let go of each other, to break the heat radiating from their lips.

“Wait a minute,” Merlin speaks suddenly, breaking the romantic atmosphere they were both trying to savor. “Are you trying to seduce me into staying in Camelot?”

“No,” Arthur says, shaking his head. “I’m trying to seduce you into talking about your feelings.” 

“Arthur!”

“What?” Arthur laughs. “At least I’m honest. That’s become very important to me since I became king.” 

“Making out and talking about feelings?”

“No.” Arthur laughs again. “Honesty. My dad was never the most honest king, and I wasn’t a very honest prince, either.” 

“Yes you were,” Merlin argues. “Everything you said was the raw truth. You were brutally honest at times.” 

“Not to myself I wasn’t.” Arthur removes one hand from Merlin’s waist to cradle his cheek, running a thumb gently over the surface of his bottom lip. “I hid things from myself. I told myself I think about him so much because I see him every day, and my brain automatically traces familiarity. I told myself I cried when he left because I was so hurt that he lied to me about who he was. I told myself the acute pain in my chest was the result of losing a good friend, not anything else. I told myself there’s no way in hell I had fallen in love with my absolute baboon of a manservant.” 

Merlin smiles, and Arthur smiles back.

“I love you too, you know.” 

“I’d hoped so.” They kiss for a little while longer, not paying any mind to the numerous times footsteps round the corner, stop abruptly, and scurry down the opposite hall. Let them talk. There’s no shame in Arthur’s kiss. He wants Merlin, and he wants him publicly. He loves Merlin. Arthur Pendragon loves Merlin. And Merlin loves Arthur Pendragon. 

“I’ll stay,” Merlin says, dizzy. The mean side of his brain is screaming about how he’s a greedy scumbag who takes what he doesn’t deserve, but he ignores it. His past self would never forgive him if he didn’t make this moment perfect. Karma will get him later - maybe he’ll fall off a cliff or be murdered by someone who sees him for the monster he is. Right now, he’s going to be greedy and take what he doesn’t deserve, because what he doesn’t deserve is looking at him with so much love in his eyes and he can’t bring himself to change that. “I’ll be your physician. I’ll be your more than that. Because you’re my everything.” 

Merlin doesn’t care how cliche that sounds, and based on the kiss Arthur gives him after, he doesn’t either.

**Author's Note:**

> YO 
> 
> So sorry about how long it's been, I literally hit the busiest time of my life between now and when I last posted. But yeah, I hope you guys like this and all! Let me know what you think! I'm awkward!


End file.
